When parents fight
When parents fight
By DR TEOH HSIEN-JIN
Mimmie was not a happy girl at school. She was easily distracted, never completed her homework, and was always fidgeting. Lately, she sometimes bursts into tears for no apparent reason. Worried, her teacher asked for her parents to come to school. The teacher soon learnt that Mimmie’s parents were on the verge of separating.
Research indicates that the most common reasons for separation include extramarital affairs, financial problems, child disciplining issues and sexual incompatibility.
Disagreements and conflicts soon erupt, followed by separation and divorce. But it doesn’t end there. There are custody issues and never-ending legal battles over money and property. Meanwhile, children are the silent victims of the conflict.
Some of these children are traumatised by their parents’ behaviours and become depressed, anxious, and have low self-esteem. Others react to the conflict in an aggressive manner by throwing tantrums, fighting with other children, and engaging in delinquent behaviour.
Marital conflict is a common family problem which no child should have to be exposed to. Yet it occurs because parents refuse to work together to create a happy, healthy family. Here are some suggestions to protect the child when conflicts arise.
Sort out your problems in private
The most traumatic forms of conflict occur when children witness the violence that their parents inflict on one another. Sort out disagreements behind closed doors. Get help from a marriage counsellor, if necessary.
Do not include children in the argument
When children are physically involved in the conflict, someone is bound to get hurt. Very often it is the children. Children are physically weaker than their parents and emotionally more fragile. You can protect them by telling them to keep away from the fight. It is best for parents to sort out their disagreements elsewhere, away from the house.
Do not use the children as shields
Some parents try to protect themselves by using their children as a shield between themselves and their spouses. This may put the child at risk of being hurt as the other party may become more angry. If you are afraid of your partner, then go to somewhere safer with your children.
Tell the child you are having problems, but are trying to sort them out
Children are quite aware when something is wrong. There is no use pretending that there is nothing going on between you and your spouse. Tell the children that you are having problems with the other parent, and that you are trying your best to sort things out.
Assure the child that you love him
When parents fight and argue, children are afraid that both their parents may get angry and leave them. Children can feel very vulnerable in these circumstances, and it is important to be calm and assure them that you still love them and will not abandon them.
Do not talk negatively about the other parent
It does not help to spread tales and talk negatively about the other parent. The child is being forced to choose between the two parents. Be mature and make no comments about the other parent’s behaviour.
Maintain a structured routine for the child
One of the things that creates emotional upheaval in the child’s life is a change in lifestyle and disciplining habits. Try your best to keep a structured daily time-table that includes meals, academic work and play time. The more structured the child’s day is, the more predictable it will be, thus calming the child down. Maintain discipline as the child needs to know what is acceptable behaviour. Where possible, try to spend some time with each child on a daily basis.
Amway Malaysia’s One by One Campaign aims to promote positive mental health in children through a series of workshops and camps. For details log on www.amway2u.com.
By DR TEOH HSIEN-JIN
Mimmie was not a happy girl at school. She was easily distracted, never completed her homework, and was always fidgeting. Lately, she sometimes bursts into tears for no apparent reason. Worried, her teacher asked for her parents to come to school. The teacher soon learnt that Mimmie’s parents were on the verge of separating.
Research indicates that the most common reasons for separation include extramarital affairs, financial problems, child disciplining issues and sexual incompatibility.
Disagreements and conflicts soon erupt, followed by separation and divorce. But it doesn’t end there. There are custody issues and never-ending legal battles over money and property. Meanwhile, children are the silent victims of the conflict.
Some of these children are traumatised by their parents’ behaviours and become depressed, anxious, and have low self-esteem. Others react to the conflict in an aggressive manner by throwing tantrums, fighting with other children, and engaging in delinquent behaviour.
Marital conflict is a common family problem which no child should have to be exposed to. Yet it occurs because parents refuse to work together to create a happy, healthy family. Here are some suggestions to protect the child when conflicts arise.
Sort out your problems in private
The most traumatic forms of conflict occur when children witness the violence that their parents inflict on one another. Sort out disagreements behind closed doors. Get help from a marriage counsellor, if necessary.
Do not include children in the argument
When children are physically involved in the conflict, someone is bound to get hurt. Very often it is the children. Children are physically weaker than their parents and emotionally more fragile. You can protect them by telling them to keep away from the fight. It is best for parents to sort out their disagreements elsewhere, away from the house.
Do not use the children as shields
Some parents try to protect themselves by using their children as a shield between themselves and their spouses. This may put the child at risk of being hurt as the other party may become more angry. If you are afraid of your partner, then go to somewhere safer with your children.
Tell the child you are having problems, but are trying to sort them out
Children are quite aware when something is wrong. There is no use pretending that there is nothing going on between you and your spouse. Tell the children that you are having problems with the other parent, and that you are trying your best to sort things out.
Assure the child that you love him
When parents fight and argue, children are afraid that both their parents may get angry and leave them. Children can feel very vulnerable in these circumstances, and it is important to be calm and assure them that you still love them and will not abandon them.
Do not talk negatively about the other parent
It does not help to spread tales and talk negatively about the other parent. The child is being forced to choose between the two parents. Be mature and make no comments about the other parent’s behaviour.
Maintain a structured routine for the child
One of the things that creates emotional upheaval in the child’s life is a change in lifestyle and disciplining habits. Try your best to keep a structured daily time-table that includes meals, academic work and play time. The more structured the child’s day is, the more predictable it will be, thus calming the child down. Maintain discipline as the child needs to know what is acceptable behaviour. Where possible, try to spend some time with each child on a daily basis.
Amway Malaysia’s One by One Campaign aims to promote positive mental health in children through a series of workshops and camps. For details log on www.amway2u.com.
posted by Petite Queen @ 7:42 PM
2 Comments:
At March 25, 2006,
FRIDAY'S CHILD said…
Yes you're very true. Parents should avoid being seen by their children quarreling. Physical violence too is not a very good sight for children. They are traumatized by this and will affect them in their later years as parents too.
At March 28, 2006,
Curlz~ said…
Jee..where are the thoughts?
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