I took tis article from The Star online newspaper(www.thestar.com.my)dated Wednesday January 4, 2006.I find it very opening and true.So fer my gurlfrens out ther who r stil single,dun miss out tis article as it is an eye opener and makes u feel proud n gud of wat u r...
Sing your own tuneA young woman who has never lived alone finds her feet – and a whole lot more – after weathering a breakup. AJA NG tells her story.
A RECENT headline about the rise of the number of single women in Kuala Lumpur caught my eye. Stating that these women feared being called ‘old maids’ and were putting their singledom down to fate, career focus and the lack of potential candidates, it made me reflect on my own single status.
I’m 22 and certainly no old maid.
I left my parent’s home when I was barely 18, diving into a whirlwind relationship that consumed me for over three years. Early last year, it ended, and for the first time in my life, I found myself single, living alone and fending for myself.
I didn’t know how to exist as a single entity. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I returned to an empty apartment after a long day’s work with no one to cuddle up to on the couch, no dog’s fur to ruffle. I had always found cooking therapeutic but I couldn’t see the joy in cooking for one.
All my best girlfriends were in serious relationships, and I didn’t fancy being a lamp post in their couple gatherings. I didn’t want to meet new people, couldn’t find the strength in me for the getting-to-know-you small-talk.
So, I stayed home.
For a while I merely existed, tapau-ing food and curling up to a DVD in a corner of my (what seemed to me) massive bed. I absolutely wallowed in my melancholic loneliness.
Then one day, I woke up and made the spontaneous decision to take a holiday alone. I picked the romantic private island of Pangkor Laut, with full knowledge that I was going to be inundated by simpering couples on their tenth honeymoon.
I had to rediscover myself, the joys of being with me, and start appreciating other things in life again, and what better place to start than on a paradise island, surrounded by the beauty of Mother Nature and the warmth of other people’s love (even if it was only for each other)?
I whiled my days away on the beach, reading, snoozing, observing. I twirled, dipped and dived in the emerald waters, dined on gourmet meals with the sea breeze whispering through my hair while brilliant stars winked in the black velvet sky. I actually enjoyed being with myself. Suddenly it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and I could spread my wings and soar.
When I got home, I threw myself into work, family, meeting new people, taking short weekend breaks. My social life was picking up at a furious pace. I started to meet up with old school friends, took up language classes and generally did all the things I never had the time to do before. I started cooking again and inviting groups of family and friends over for dinner.
I began to find myself.
Then I started to see the social stigma attached to single women. Single women are generally expected to actively hunt down life partners, some are made to believe life is incomplete unless they are 'with that someone'. And if you can’t find someone, hell, honey you’d better be a good girl and not go out for fear of marring your reputation in case a potential someone comes along.
Oh, woe betide the single girl who actually enjoys being single! The old wives will label her ‘immoral’ (whether or not she’s doing anything immoral), claim that her priorities are not in order and she is definitely not wife material. It matters not whether she is a strong independent woman, with a successful career, completely capable of taking care of herself.
Some feel the pressure, thus cave in and rush into relationships, just for the sake being in one, only to find out later, when they are picking up the pieces of their broken marriage, that they should not have been so hasty. To be fair, some of those relationships work out for the best.
Of course in this day and age, awareness is slowly but surely changing those perceptions. Women are becoming more confident in themselves, beginning to realise their self-worth, and starting to do more things that add pleasure to their lives because it is theirs alone, instead of doing what people tell them is the ‘right’ thing to do.
Yes, I’ll admit there are days when a bout of severe Pre-Menstrual Syndrome throws me into depression. Then it hits me that two of my closest friends are getting married within months of each other, and I get melodramatic and tell myself that I am destined to forever be the bride’s maid. PMS momentarily gets the best of me and I moan tearfully about being lonely and not being able to find the right person to share my life with, but the truth is I’m not really looking.
I’m not saying I don’t want to find a partner or get married. I do. But I realise that these things can’t be forced; they happen naturally, and just because I am single, it doesn’t mean I should devote my entire life to searching for the perfect mate. Some people do that, putting their lives on hold till the right one comes walking through the door.
Sure, I meet a lot of men who show interest, some of whom I am attracted to, but in all honesty, I’m not willing to waste time or, more importantly, risk my heart on a relationship that I’m not at least 80% sure will succeed. People can argue that love is about taking risks, and I don’t disagree, but that’s just not me – I’d rather analyse the angles, the potential of ‘us’ working out, play it safe. The heart and emotions are fragile. I know that when the time is right, it will come.
My point is, whereas once I couldn’t fathom being alone, I now revel in it. I’m just as comfortable dining out with my closest bunch of friends as alone. I no longer have qualms being the only single one in a group of couples, and being single doesn’t mean I am ‘loveless’ (for I am surrounded by family and friends who love me just as much as I do them), nor does it make me a lesser woman than the next.
Most importantly I’ve freed myself from the social stigma of being a single woman and realised that I can’t live my life to please others and not myself. It’s now a year that I’ve been single. Life is going great and it is extremely fulfilling not because I’m one of the lucky ones, but because of what I make of it. Not only is it okay to be single, it’s okay to be single and enjoy it.
